So what's your excuse for not exercising again?
Cynthia Arnold, 35, ran the Missoula (Mont.) Marathon in 3 hours, 11 minutes on June 30 - pushing her kids (ages 6, 4 and 1) in a triple stroller all the way.
Which pencils out to roughly 7 minutes, 17 seconds per mile.
At TheOnion.com: "Tearful Justify holds press conference blaming failed drug test on contaminated salt lick."
Sign held up by a female fan in a No. 14 Jets jersey Monday night: "I gave Darnold mono."
Two people kidnapped a life-size cardboard cutout of Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes from a McDonald's in Lawrence, Kan.
Immediately questioned and released: Ray Finkle.
X marks the spot
A Miami-based porn production company has submitted a $10 million bid to succeed American Airlines for the naming rights to the NBA Heat's arena.
The team's film sessions would certainly be interesting.
How bad are they?
The Miami Dolphins - outscored 102-10 in their first two games - are so bad that five SEC teams are already trying to get them on next season's nonconference schedule.
Playing .500 ball
Just your average guy? No kidding.
QB Eli Manning is going to the Giants' bench with an NFL regular-season of 116-116.
'Nole and void
Grayton Grant, 4, and his Florida State booster father set up a "Free Willie" lemonade stand in Tallahassee to raise funds toward a $17 million buyout of beleaguered Seminoles football coach Willie Taggart.
Expect the NCAA to declare the kid athletically ineligible in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...
Illinois residents hate football more than any other state, according to a study from BetOnline_as based on geotagged Twitter data.
Oh, yeah? We'd hate to be the one who had to break that news to Dick Butkus.
ICE claims it "confiscated nearly $11,000 worth of counterfeit merchandise" in the Oakland Coliseum parking lot before the Oakland-Denver NFL game.
Most of it Chucky Dolls wearing Raiders jerseys.
Pass the cupcakes
The Cowboys opened as 20-point favorites over the Dolphins on Sunday _ the largest opening spread in 30 years.
Stealing a page from the college-football book, Miami asked to be paid a $950,000 appearance fee.
Talking the talk
Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, on Alabama's plan to monitor students' phones to see if they stay for all four quarters of football games: "Wonder if they spend half as much effort to track players going to class."
Jets QB Luke Falk, to ESPN, on following Tom Brady's legendary diet - to a degree: "I'm 24, so I eat pizza every now and then."
@Richie59FIFTY, on the Cowboys' Wednesday waiving of former No. 1 draft pick Taco Charlton: "They should've released Taco Tuesday."
The injury-ravaged Eagles called off their Wednesday practice in pads as a result.
Apparently it was too demoralizing for the players to see all those buzzards circling overhead.
3 strikes, they're out
For you big believers in Bad Things Happen in Threes, Ben Roethlisberger (elbow) is out for the Steelers, Drew Brees (thumb) is out for the Saints and Christie Brinkley (broken arm) is out for "Dancing With The Stars."
Will the 2008 Lions and the 2017 Browns convene with Champagne corks at the ready each time the winless Dolphins play this season?
Or the 1972 Dolphins, perhaps?
Quote, end quote
Mike Bianchi of the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel, on Justify going on to win the Triple Crown after the California Racing Board failed to act on the horse's positive drug test: "Who do these people think they are - college football coaches?"
Toronto rookie pitcher Alek Manoah, to reporters, when asked to describe the atmosphere in the Jays' clubhouse upon reaching the majors: "I've learned they eat really good. The kitchen is amazing."
Matt Waldman of FantasyPros.com, on the Chiefs' video-game attack: "The Kansas City offense is a fantasy chocolate factory run by the NFL's Willy Wonka (Patrick Mahomes II) and Mr. Wilkinson disguised as Slugworth (Andy Reid)."
Jim Barach of JokesByJim.com, on a legislative proposal in New York that would abolish amateurism for college athletes: "Why not? The Jets, Mets and Knicks are all paying the people who play for them."
Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, with his early NFL MVP candidates: "Tom Brady (always); Dak Prescott; Pat Mahomes; Cam Newton's personal stylist; Antonio Brown's therapist."